


The Rotfang Conspiracy Files

by crantabulous



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-01-02
Packaged: 2018-09-14 07:15:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9167845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crantabulous/pseuds/crantabulous
Summary: Twenty very short stories about how Hermione Granger got her groove back.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for Femgenficathon 2008, Prompt 54: The trouble with man is twofold. He cannot learn the truths which are too complicated; he forgets truths which are too simple. -- Rebecca West.

**1.**

Hermione had thought that when the war was over, she would fade into obscurity. There were times when she'd have welcomed it. Now, though, it's just lonely. She works in her parents' dental surgery, answering phones and filing charts. There is absolutely nothing magical about it, and that's fine most of the time. After everything that's happened these last few years, the mundanity is almost soothing. It's just strange to be surrounded by people who have no idea what she's done.  
  
The illusion is shattered on a Tuesday afternoon when Luna Lovegood walks into the office and says, "Hello, Hermione."  
  
**2.**

When they arrive at the café, Luna pulls a notepad out of her bag and taps a fountain pen against the cover. "You've been hiding," she says, sliding into a booth.  
  
Hermione purses her lips as she sits down on the other side of the table. "Is this an interview?"  
  
Luna looks pleased that Hermione has caught on. "Yes!"  
  
"I'm not interested in talking to the press," Hermione says.  
  
Luna's smile widens. "It's not that sort of interview," she says. "What do you know about tooth decay?"  
  
"My parents are dentists," Hermione replies, confused.  
  
"Excellent!" Luna grins happily. "You're hired!"  
  
**3.**

"Do you ever feel like you're wasting your time here?" Luna asks.  
  
"In the tea shop?" Hermione replies, willfully misunderstanding. "Procrastination isn't one of my vices."  
  
Luna looks at her evenly. "You have to compromise, being a witch in the Muggle world. We all thought you'd be on your way to the top of the Ministry, not working in a dentist's office."  
  
"They're not just some random dentists; they're my parents," Hermione says.  
  
"How much time did you spend with them when you were at school?"  
  
Hermione fidgets. "There was a war on."  
  
"There's no peace without compromise," Luna says.  
  
  
**4.**

Most of the time, Hermione doesn't know why she agreed to work for Luna Lovegood. She tells herself that she's a journalist, crusading for justice, and not some tabloid hack, but it's hard to convince herself of that when Luna asks her to find out how much dental floss Gawain Robards went through each month.  
  
"You can't honestly expect people to believe in that Rotfang Conspiracy nonsense," Hermione protests.  
  
"We don't care if the story's believable," Luna says. "We care if it's true."  
  
Luna is so earnest when she says this that Hermione can't help but agree to the assignment.  
  
**5.**

Somehow, Luna has managed to get a copy of the Auror's handbook. Hermione's eyes cross slightly as she reads the tiny print. Many of the policies are so arcane and convoluted that she can't imagine anyone taking them seriously, but Section 18, Paragraph 3, Clause 6 gives her a moment's pause:  


 

> The Auror's teeth are amongst his most important weapons. Brush with a high quality fluoride toothpaste each morning and evening. Despite the Muggles' inferior knowledge of Potions, many of their toothpastes are more effective than their Wizarding counterparts.

Hermione wonders why the Aurors are so concerned with dental hygiene.  
  
**6.**

In Honeydukes, Hermione inspects the back of a package: _Toothflossing Stringmints: Spruce Up Your Smile With A Sweet!_ Despite the slogan's promise, Hermione is unconvinced. She hasn't bought any since her third year at Hogwarts, but from what she remembers, eating a Toothflossing Stringmint is like being stabbed in the gums with minty shards of glass.  
  
"You going to buy those, dearie?" an old witch asks, startling Hermione out of her reverie. "Only, that's the last package and they're my favorite," she says, smiling toothlessly.  
  
Hermione stares at the old witch's swollen gums. "Here," she says, handing over the package.  
  
**7.**

There are a number of things that can go wrong with one's teeth, and all of them are disgusting. Hermione studies an illustration showing the progression of periodontitis, vaguely nauseated.  
  
"That, my love, is why we always remember to floss," her father says, coming up behind her.  
  
"What happens if it goes untreated?" Hermione asks.  
  
"Your teeth fall out."  
  
Hermione frowns. "But the government won't collapse or anything?"  
  
Her father laughs. "Well, I suppose if a butterfly in Brazil can cause a tornado in Texas, then yes, it's possible, but I wouldn't worry about it too much."  
  
Hermione nods, unconvinced.  
  
**8.**

"Canary Creams transfigure you into a canary, Cockroach Clusters have real cockroaches in them, but Toothflossing Stringmints don't actually floss your teeth. Why is that?" Hermione asks.  
  
"I've always wondered at the inconsistency in the magical world's fascination with literal candy." The head of the International Magical Trading Standards Association sits across the desk from her, hands folded, a bland, professional smile on his face. "Peppermint Toads don't give you warts, after all," he says.  
  
"You have nothing to say about truth in advertising?" Hermione asks.  
  
"Miss Granger, I would prefer not to discuss this with you. There's no point."  
  
**9.**

"Did you place an order that you forgot to tell me about?" her father asks.  
  
Hermione looks up from the appointment book. "Hmm? No, why?"  
  
"It's just..." her father hesitates for a moment, then pulls open the door to the supply cupboard. A shower of dental floss spools spills to the ground. "These came yesterday. There's a lot more in the back."  
  
"That's very odd," Hermione says. "Was there a packing slip?"  
  
"No; I didn't even sign for them. They just appeared out of nowhere," he says.  
  
"I don't think we should give these out to patients," Hermione says, worried.  
  
**10.**

Hermione isn't sure whether she should be pleased or depressed that she still recognizes what it feels like to be watched, even after all this time. Once she looks, it only takes a minute for her to spot her pursuer. He's glaring at her openly, so it is more likely meant to be intimidation rather than surveillance. She's so intent on glaring back that Kingsley Shacklebolt's greeting takes her completely by surprise. Kingsley leans in to kiss her on the cheek and murmurs, "the dental floss is a red herring," before pulling back and flashing her a wide, perfect grin.  
  
**11.**

_Dear Hermione,_ Luna's letter begins. _I think that some of your enquiries at the Ministry have annoyed some of the wrong people. You must be on to something good! That's very exciting._  
  
_But however exciting it is to see an investigation start to pay off, sometimes discretion is the better part of valor. I hear that Rome is lovely in the springtime. Perhaps it's time you took a holiday and give certain parties a chance to calm down?_  
  
_If it's any consolation, you were right about the fwooper._  
  
The letter crumbles to ash as soon as Hermione finishes reading it.  
  
**12.**

The barista has an eyebrow piercing and blue streaks dyed into her spiky hair. Despite her punkish appearance, the girl smiles widely at Hermione when she takes her order, and Hermione is suddenly reminded of Nymphadora Tonks. Of course, as far as Hermione knows, Tonks never worked in a coffee shop. Unsettled, Hermione does not smile back as she picks up her coffee and turns to leave.  
  
"Hey!" the barista calls after her. Hermione freezes, looking for an escape route. "You forgot your change!"  
  
Hermione quickly takes her change and stuffs it into the tip jar before fleeing the scene.  
  
**13.**

Traveling in the Muggle world leaves too much of a paper trail. Hermione had avoided portkeys and Apparation because she didn't want to attract attention from any of the wizarding authorities in case they were monitoring her activities, but after the third time she's asked to show identification at the airport, she wonders if perhaps she should have risked it after all.  
  
No one pays much attention to her as she makes her way through security, though, and by the time she reaches her gate she's calmed down. The wizards looking for her wouldn't make it past the metal detectors.  
  
**14.**

Rome _is_ lovely in the springtime. The terrace of Hermione's hotel is adorned with lemon trees, and Hermione sits out there in the late afternoon with a Wodehouse novel, enjoying the sweet-smelling breeze. The coffee has been uniformly excellent, and on her second night in town she discovered the wonder that is limoncello. The waiters she's encountered have all been exuberantly friendly, either flirting with her or just happy to practice their English. Hermione can't yet bring herself to drink grappa without making a face, but she figures that there's time to learn. She could get used to this lifestyle.  
  
**15.**

"I didn't think you'd actually go on holiday." Luna's voice on the other end of the line sounds annoyed.  
  
"You _told_ me to go on holiday," Hermione replies.  
  
"When have you ever listened to me without putting up an argument first?" Luna asks. "Anyway, I need you back here. I have a source who's willing to talk, but only if he gets to talk to you."  
  
"You're too trusting," Hermione says, realizing how ridiculous it sounds even as she says it. Luna is a conspiracy theorist; by definition, she trusts no one.  
  
"I trust _you,_ " Luna says, "to be careful."  
  
**16.**

Hermione scans the arrivals concourse at Heathrow, looking for Luna's source. She lets out a huff when she sees Percy Weasley's anxious face.  
  
He approaches her. "Nice holiday?"  
  
Hermione does not smile. "It could have been longer," she says.  
  
Percy rubs the back of his neck in a gesture that reminds her strongly of Ron. "I'd like to talk. Lovegood said you wouldn't mind."  
  
"I suppose it depends on the subject," Hermione says.  
  
"Well..." Percy hesitates before continuing. "You see, it turns out that _The Quibbler_ wasn't as inaccurate as some people would've had us believe."  
  
Hermione smothers a grin.  
  
**17.**

"The Rotfang Conspiracy has been around for decades. Proper oral hygiene _is_ important. The public responds well to a good smile." Percy shrugs apologetically. "The Gilderoy Lockhart Effect, if you will."  
  
Hermione shakes her head. "That's very superficial."  
  
"Well, would you trust someone who's only got three teeth and has giant boils on their face to lead your government?"  
  
Hermione sighs. "So it's not a plot to bring down the government, only to discredit undesirable leaders?"  
  
"Dolores Umbridge is a toad. Can you imagine how terrifying she'd be if she was good-looking?"  
  
Hermione's eyes widen. "You have a point there."  
  
**18.**

"I must admit, I'm rather disappointed," Luna says. "I was hoping we'd at least get something about dental fillings picking up wireless signals."  
  
"It's hardly a conspiracy," Hermione agrees. "I'm not even sure it's news. 'Average Wizards Like Attractive People More.' I could have told you that years ago."  
  
"Yes, that's disappointing, too."  
  
"It's ridiculous," Hermione fumes. "We're recovering from a war here. We'll need more than empty charm and pretty faces to get us through this."  
  
"We? You're planning to return to the Wizarding World, then?"  
  
Hermione shuts her mouth abruptly and tries not to notice Luna's delighted smile.  
  
  
**19.**

"I have to go back," Hermione says.  
  
"You don't _have_ to do anything," her mother says.  
  
"I do, though. I'm wasted here. Out there, I could do some good."  
  
"You could do good here, too," her mother protests. "What, are you going to wipe our memories and send us to Australia again?"  
  
"Mum, there was a war on."  
  
"That war's over now."  
  
"Yes," Hermione says. "But we can't make the same mistakes again."  
  
Her father sighs. "I suppose we always knew this was inevitable, from the day you got that damned letter."  
  
She bites her lip. "I'm sorry," she says.  
  
**20.**

"I'm sorry," Luna says.  
  
"It's not like I'll never see them again," Hermione says. "But I think it's hard for them to finally realize that I'm not going to be who they thought I would."  
  
"You have to be yourself." If anyone understands that, it's Luna. "They love you. They'll forgive you."  
  
"I don't think they're mad," Hermione says slowly. "I think they're disappointed."  
  
"That's probably worse," Luna says.  
  
"I'm a witch." She laughs. "I still find it hard to believe sometimes."  
  
Luna shrugs. "I don't necessarily define myself as a witch. I define myself as Luna."  
  
"And I'm Hermione."


End file.
